Three Steps to a new Friendship

Males and Females universally fear rejection. Its what stops people pursuing careers, lovers, life dreams and friendships.

Rejection no matter how justified tugs at our self worth. The stronger we are in ourselves the less this rejection affects us and the more we practice putting ourselves out there, the less of a hold it has over us.

It is quite common when I'm talking to people to hear comments such as 'I want to meet new people' 'I'd like to have more friends but I'm to shy or I don't know how to go abut it'. 

I want to simplify the process to make it seem a little less daunting and if you can just push past that fear of rejection and take these 3 simple steps, who knows, you might make a lasting and precious friendship.

Step 1 - Make Yourself Approachable
Ideally don't sit back and wait for someone to talk to you, but if you are just too shy to strike up a conversation, smile and make eye contact, say hi to people. I notice all to often at kids music groups, library tots time, Play-centre and Plunket groups (not specifically but all those sorts of places) its these friendly faces that draw you in.


Step 2 - Dont Procrastinate
So you've been bumping into the same person at different events quite a lot lately, or your husbands friend's wife was a hoot at that dinner party the other night. Maybe you had a coffee group and a friend brought another friend that you got on with like a house on fire. Don't just think to yourself, 'oh they were nice' and leave it at that, next time you see them make the first move, suggest a swap of cell numbers, or even better plan something right then and there, coffee the following week at a kid friendly cafe. If you have discovered you both enjoy walking suggest a beach walk. Both movie buffs, text about a movie you really want to see and ask them to come to.

Now I am not going to profess this to be the easy part. This is the part I definitely find the most difficult and its that fear of rejection that stalls you in your tracks. But if you look at it logically what is the worst that can happen? My experience is that the person says 'Oh I'm really busy this week, but I would love to another time'. Sometimes that 'another time' happens and sometimes not but by that stage I'm not too bothered and at least I have made the effort.

Step Three - Keep it Up
Its after the first catch up that Step Three kicks into play. Its at this step where a lot of people go wrong. So you get together and little Johnny and Annie play well, you laugh and chatter, discover you both enjoy cooking and exchange your fave reciepes, (you know what I mean, it doesn't have to be that boring by any means!) I'm just using an example. Anyway you go home thinking hey she's a really cool chick I feel like I've known her for ages, I enjoyed that catch up. If that's the case dont leave it there ladies!! Keep it up. Give it a fortnight and then ring and plan somethings else. It doesn't have to be all hot and heavy, we aren't talking about new romance here, just a gal pal you think is on your wave length.

A simple 3 Step Plan don't you think? Go out on a limb or respond to someone that has gone out on a limb for you, keep up the effort and over time you may see a friendship blossom.


Unlike some romantic relationships friendships don't happen overnight, sometimes you need a little history, to get to know each other's funny quirks, let things get comfortable.

It might seem like a lot of effort but honestly, as many of you will know, once you have that comradery with a friend it really is priceless. So take a leap of faith, stand up to the fear of rejection and if you feel like you need a new friend in your life, make it happen for yourself.

Friendships

I'd planned on writing a post on friendships for quite some time, but the topic seemed so vast that I kept putting it off. Until now....

Today's post is about my personal experience with friendships and what they mean to me. I'm going to continue over the next few weeks exploring female friendships including common problems faced, tips for making new friends and so forth (any suggestions on topics feel free to share) So sorry, today is all about me, me, me... tune out if you are bored already!

In primary school I was the leader. An only child until 12 I was bossy and that is putting it mildly. When I hit Standard 4 and the hormones of pre-puberty began to surge, the cattiness began. The 'lets not be friends with her anymore', 'she's not coming to my sleep-over', 'you're my best friend now', and all those typical girl drama's began. It was a precurious time, sometimes I was popular and sometimes I was on the out, and then oh how it was the end of the world!


What I learnt from these early friendships was a simple lesson;  if you back stab, stir trouble, exclude others and have a general mean spirit in friendship, this will be the types of friends you attract.

I wouldn't call the years between 13-17 my glory years. At times they were really hard, confusing and overwhelming. I didn't find a group at college that I felt I fitted in with. I was either too much of a rebel or not quite rebel enough. I longed for friendships that came easily, where I could be me. Although I'm not sure I even knew who 'me' was during this teenage years or self discovery.


One of my best experiences at the age of 17, was my part-time job at Just Jeans. I was taken under the wing by three girls in their mid twenties and I had a blast. They would dress me up and get me into the nightclubs (back when you needed to be 21), they had stylish flats and huge wardrobes, cute older guys to hang around with. I had friends (surrogate big sisters) with life experience that I looked up to in awe.

The turning point for me came at 21. I met two girls through a mutual friend and they became the bosom buddies I could tell anything. The type of friends where as long as they were by my side I could face anything. We lived out of eachother's pockets.  I felt so grateful to have finally found what I had been searching for in a friendship for so long.

It was at this time I realized an important key to my personality.  I preferred spending most of my time with a few really good mates.I felt most comfortable getting to know a couple of people really well as opposed to socializing with lots of different friends.

Kim, Kirsten and I were in-separable. we called ourselves the three musketeers and our group never grew. Although we would complain about this sometimes on the whole we built up too much history and memories  for anyone else to fit in easily. The uniqueness of the friendship was that three was not a crowd in our case, we could spend time one on one, or all together, no one ever got jealous and there was never any backstabbing between us.

We celebrated our 21st together, next came the engagements, then the Hen's nights. Kim and Kirsten were bridesmaids at my wedding and Me and Kirsten for Kim's wedding. Some years later I was also Bridesmaid  at Kirsten's big day. Each friend is a god-mother to Bianca and Sienna and Kim is the mother of my beautiful god-daughter Samantha.

The only time our friendships ever came to a curve on the road was at the 'starting a family' stage. We partied a lot, and when I fell pregnant a month after my honeymoon in Thailand (of which Kirsten and Chris's groomsmen Ry joined us) we entered into unknown territory.

But especially once Kim had Sam the bond between the two of  us became stronger than ever. I was at Samantha's birth wiping Kim's head with a cloth and sobbing as she held her baby girl for the first time. She rushed in the hospital room 20 minutes after Sienna was born saying 'damn I missed it'  and me replying 'sorry I didn't realise she would come out that fast!

Kim and I can chill out in comfortable silence, I can walk into her house and raid the fridge, I can disagree with her, be brutally honest, tell her my most embarrassing secrets.

The strange thing is that Kim and I actually dont have a lot in common. She likes sports, I would prefer a head cold than to play a game of volley-ball. I am passionate about make-up with drawers full of the stuff, Kim needs her Thin Lizzy if that. I'm better at philosophical and emotional conversation .  Kim will stop and chat to everyone she knows in the streets and is great at remembering names, and what people have been up to. 

Now that I have kids, I do feel the need for more than two friends. I now have friends I go for walks with, go to play centre and music class with, friends I can talk deeply and philosophically with and friends whom I catch up with at BBQ's every now and then.

Parenting is such a mammoth task and I have come to rely on my female friendships a lot more. Together we decipher what being a mother is about, bounce marital  issues off each other (that means bitch about our husbands), compare notes on the state of our post pregnancy bodies and the list goes in.... it really has become such an important and cherished part of my life.

So take some time to think about your friendships, ask yourself some of these questions...

Do you prefer to have heaps of friends and share your time around them all or just a special few?
Do you feel like you need more friends in your life?
Do you feel like you you have too many to spend time with them all?
Are there friends you have sadly outgrown?
Do you want to spend more time nurturing new friendships?

Priorities

Friday afternoon is my time off. Both the girls go to pre-school and I cherish my 'me time' . Today I went and watched Step Up 3D at the movies. The movies is up there as one of my most enjoyable down time activities, I generally like to go on my own, I always treat myself to popcorn and ice cream and I relish the chance to escape into another world if only for a couple of hours.

Friday's can also be a balancing act, half of me wants to do selfish leisuire activities and the other half wants to get useful things done i.e clean out the linen cupboard or tackle a craft project that needs finishing - like Bianca's Dolls House at present.

But what it comes down to is priorities and sometimes as Mothers our priorities need to be able to change. Am I tired today? In need of some relaxing time? or is the bathroom starting to become uninhabitable and in desperate need of a clean? 

A friend said to me the other day "How do you manage to put your make-up on every morning, I never see you without your 'face on', I'm lucky if I can manage some lip balm'" After a little thought I said "its the same as me asking how you manage to have lovely fresh baking in your cupboards all the time and  fresh pasta salad prepared with organic dressing and  farm fresh eggs to boot!" (My kids had a pasta snack for lunch that day) She laughed and it got us on the topic of priorities. For me 'putting my face on' in the morning makes me feel ready to start the day, I feel good about myself and that's an important aspect to being a good mother, in my opinion. To my friend if she has fresh meals planned and  prepared for the day ahead then she feels the same way.

So how do we determine what is a good priority and what isn't? In my opinion it all comes back to balance. I am passionate about fashion, skincare and make-up, but although I have the best intention organic and gourmet cooking are not at the very top of my list (they are not at the bottom either), but I am more likely to remember my lipstick than to remember to peruse my cookbooks for exciting new recipes for the week ahead.

So from time to time I start to beat myself up, why cant I be a super cook like this friend? why cant I be super fit like that friend? why cant I grow a gorgeous vege garden like this friend? (and the latest obsession is) why cant I sew and knit gorgeous kids jumpers and clothes like that friend? And the reason (drumroll please) that I cant do all of those things is that I am not fricking super human, there are only so many hours in the day and only so much energy a busy mum has.

So yes I can dabble with a from scratch chicken casserole, I can even make a batch of choc chip cookies, I can have a few pots of herbs in my garden and I can sew I cute patch on a pair of Bianca's trousers, but I cant do it all to perfection and I have to be happy with that.

We are happiest when we are pursuing our passions, the things we love to do, there is no point in trying to be like someone else because chances are if it isn't a natural talent the effort you need to put in will be exhausting.

Here are some useful tips I try to live by

1. Make a list of things you are good at AND you enjoy doing

2. Try new things but if you just dont 'feel it' then dont feel guilty for moving on

3. Try not to compare yourself to friends and others too much - taking a leaf from someones book is fine but taking too many and trying to glue them all into your own is too presurising.

4. Realise that prioritising 'you time' is important, healthy and beneficial to the rest of your family as well as yourself. The saying 'If Mum's not happy no one is', rings very true.

5. Sometimes we have to prioritise things that we dont enjoy i.e cleaning the bathroom - try to prioritise one 'must do' job a day so that you feel you are accomplishing without the whole day being tedious.

6. Share your feelings with a good friend, often it is others who see our talents and strong points when we take them for granted.

7. Remember to repay the compliment . Telling someone how much you admire a talent they havecan be a real highlight especially if someone is feeling a little stressed out or bogged down and lets face it we all feel like that sometimes xx